How To Write A Novel 101

Wednesday, 25 November 2015
This is STILL in response to THAT BOOK because THAT BOOK has a sampler and It. Was. TERRIBLE.

I didn't think anyone needed to be reminded of this, but THINGS CANNOT MAGICALLY HAPPEN SO YOU CAN FURTHER YOUR PLOT. LIKE, NO.

So it's PSA time because Liran is tired of people coming in and hijacking YA so they can make a huge profit. Newsflash publishers, readers want well written novels by novelists who have respect for the genre they are writing in. So let's get sarcastic because that'll make me feel better.

How To Write A Novel 101
  1. Reference other popular novels and proceed to bash them. This is of course after you mention parts of the book that actually happened. (Don't ask.)
  2. Make your protagonist magically lose an ability because readers won't notice of care. (Again, don't ask.)
  3. Make everyone besides your protagonist hate the subway because this is very realistic and she is a freaking special snowflake.
  4. Generalize all YA novels.
  5. Bash dystopia and proceed to write dystopia.
  6. Describe your heroine and proceed to bash heroines. (Because we're generalizing here.)
  7. Talk about how cheesy other novels are and continue with the food references.
  8. Give the places in your world boring names that people have seen before, you totally original you. (East River? Really? That's the best you could do?)
  9. Personify memories and make them slap your protagonist. (J.K. Rowling did it better, kid.)
  10. Make your protagonist interesting by making them read. (THEY ALL READ. THAT SHOULDN'T BE AN ATTRIBUTE YOU GIVE TO YOUR CHARACTER IF YOU'RE GOING TO BASH THE HUNGER GAMES. Oh my gosh, I read. I'm so freaking special. Oh my gosh. This book sucks. The one you're reading is freaking fantabulous. GET. OUT.)
If I ever read it, it'll only be to bash it.

NICE HIGH SCHOOL METAPHOR.

NOT.

(Sorry. I had to.)

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